-wine me dine me, but il pay my own bills.

I have friends who make me wonder whether they know the difference between a gentleman whom your in a relationship with, and a sugar daddy. Look at it this way, in a relationship, a man is always seen as the main pillar in the support systems. He is expected to actually take responsibility for all the financial matters, except the actual spending of the money.
Sort of like boy deposits ....girl withdraws.
He is expected to have a job that covers his girlfriend's expenses, which include; Rent, clothes, shopping, hair styling, Make-up, entertainment... oooh and not forgetting his own expenses.
But all this are after the woman has had her own fill.
And i think we need to draw boundaries that are fair to both parties in the relationship. Why is it that the man should be the sole provider when the woman is actually earning the same or more? which brings me to a popular feminine adage saying "your money, is our money, my money is mine alone" ....what a pity!
Some of my female friends say they will only get into a relationship if a man is willing to foot all the bills, to be honest we are now living in an age of healthy competition between the sexes. At this point, a line from the song do me by PsQuare from Nigeria comes to mind
"what a man can do, a woman can do"
lets be honest, many women these days, are not looking for men to pay their bills. Because many of them are financially empowered. However, we do need to know that he can. two things are important to a woman in a relationship: her need to be loved, and her need to feel protected and provided for.
Male and female relationships are made of commitment and continuity. Woman prefer friendship, love and companionship. But they do need to know that money is there, that there is someone watching over us, someone who has our best interests at heart.
ideally financial obligations should be shouldered equally. it is ridiculous that women should take the back seat especially when she is earning a handsome salary. Realistically "man of the house" as he would like to be known, should be ready to meet any extra monetary expenses if called to do so. It is not really about money, well it isn't for me and am sure for many of us who are truly in love, But this is an outward expression of affection. By putting his money where his mouth is, a man shows that she can rely on him and that he will not leave her when the going gets tough....after all "he is the man of the house"

-Twisted-Painting me, a mirror vision

Am trying to paint a picture of me,but the lines are to thick, the colours too bright, am ashamed of what i see, so I'll just put it in front of a mirror so y'all can see...

I see myself positioned in an elevated place, Watching the person who should be me, living a remote controlled life. its like i have no control of my life anymore. Life has become so difficult these days, am always on the run, chasing everything from class deadlines to social obligations and family affairs.

I feel the need to slow down, but again am living a borrowed life, in borrowed space at borrowed time. so i cant afford to slow down. i keep up, even when out of breath. My ego always demands and comes up with an endless list of things for me to do or have, some clearly unattainable. This things have constantly burdened me, and i even start to lose sleep over them. I don't see reality anymore, i have lost all aspects of spirituality in me...the drive i once had for mass and holy communion has withered. Life has changed drastically in the last few months. Although i am faced with valuable experiences, to help me decide on how to respond to life's tests, i lose my temper at the slightest provocation.

The girl i was and who i want to be again, would respond with love, and understanding to try and learn something from the situation...even when i got so frustrated and miserable, it was a test as to how much i could handle~ sadly not anymore.

I don't understand how i think anymore, and this has consequently attracted bad vibes, am no longer time conscious, and as much as i understand that the universe arranges itself to reflect my reality, my life is not peaceful at the moment am not responding to anything like i should with ease and comfort, Am handcuffed. I hate watching that girl that is supposed to be me, she is not at peace with herself, she is blind. Yet even though its my life, Am not the driver in it, am at the back seat i stare and lean back at the careless driving in flooded traffic at red lights.

So obsessed with my outer shell and how i look like, i over eat and i sometimes starve myself...This consequently leads me to develop low self esteem, but i know am in charge of my life and the circumstances i am going through, are just a test for my success, But its breaking my heart, that i lost me along the way and i am watching a failure leading a life . Each passing day, is a constant struggle to keep up with what everybody expects of me. And until i get me back, ill continue to paint, ill continue to draw and wish that i was this girl that i need and must be.

-Weighty issues again!

i keep telling myself that i am not obssesed with my weight and that i love how i look, i know that deep down i would love to be a bit curvy. I lost a pound over the last one week and it really brought me down when i saw that. My friend was with me when i discovered the sad news, she is all 'rounded' you see, and she went like

''wow, i wish i was as slender as you are''
and am like ''u mean that?'' at this point i was really feeling good about myself, i felt beautiful for a while i appreciated myself. A while latter we were looking at clothes and she thought it was sad that i couldnt fit into some clothes. uuh, yeah! so now its sad being me.

so the decision i made to add weight is not one that am doing to please anyone or to be someone am not. I have taken time to think about this, i know the risks involved and so am making sure i get the best and safest regimes available. I love how i look, but i do need a change. If this doesnt work, i will still love being me, I was going through some pages online and some articles on books, i realised that adding weight is equally as hard as losing it, the thought of lifting weights has never crossed my mind, turns out that at some point i have to, Weight lifting can aid in losing the weight while building muscle. Sometimes being "too skinny" can be just as difficult a problem to solve as being "too fat." for me to achieve a desirable body weight and shape involves changes in lifestyle - including diet, exercise. the good thing is i do not have to worry about eating all the fatty and sweet foods thats an automatic IN for me unlike those trying to lose weight.... heheheh

i know this will and might take time, am not going to give up!

-my pearl

i love Nivea, i started using this the pearl deo a few months ago and i love it, i think everyone should give it a try, its mild fragrance with a fresh soapy smell, alcohol free, and when they say 24 hours i tell ya its 24 HOURS!!!!.... i love it

PS: Nivea dint pay me for this posting
am loving my pearl!!

-When the heart is Broken

before i go on with this post, i need to know what happened to Toni Braxton??

i was listening to her song 'Un-break my heart' at late night capital, this song is very deep, i cant get over the words. I have been through my share of down moments in relationships, i know we all feel helpless, unappreciated, lonely... But honestly not this:

Dont leave me in all this pain
Dont leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say youll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Dont leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I cant forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
Un-break my heart
Say youll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Dont leave me in all this pain
Dont leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say youll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my
Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin
Without you I just cant go on
Cant go on

let me make something perfectly clear, when its over, ITS OVER!!
OK, i must admit that was someone in love talking...

i have been there i know those moments when you cant seem to understand what went wrong, when everything doesn't make sense, when crying is the only thing that feels right.And when the phone rings you wish it was him, when that song plays and his face is all you see, you delete his number yet you know it by heart....
Its not easy. But its not worth bagging your life with emotions that only bring you down. And listening to Toni's song wont make it easier... its a beautiful thing to fall in love, but when you tie your heart to it, not thinking of the possibility of breaking up, it will only be harder when it happens.

-Getting it right!

There are so many emotions i am fighting with right now. last Suturday i confessed to him, that I had kissed another man. I have said this before I can’t hide anything from him, it was the right thing to do, and only the timing was wrong…it was his birthday.
“I have to tell you something that you won’t be so happy to hear” I said
“I kissed another man”
………silence……
At this point, I saw his heart break in front of me, I saw his tears, I heard him weap. I realised how much he loved me, I had to let him know, I wasn’t planning to tell him, but I needed this opening from him, without him forgiving me, I would still feel like I cheated on him. I needed to deal with the consequences of his wrath I needed to know that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
“Why?”
And when he asked me that, I realised that nothing I could say would make it right, I couldn’t find a reason or an answer to what I did, I dint want to let him go. I know he has been faithful to me. I dint want to be the cause of our ending because i am somewhere I can never be with anyone else, but i am with him, everything is so beautiful with him, it is so beautiful to fall in love with him. he completes me.
I know I hurt him. I am hurt too, hurt by the fact that i can be weak, i know am vulnerable, But what hurts me most, what kills me most is that he blames himself for what I did…

“its not the kiss, its that you sometimes need someone, and thoughts of me are not enough, worst part is, I understand, I wonder everyday if today is the day I don’t matter enough, how can I fight for you when the one you fight is yourself?”

When he talks to me, I realise how much even in his anger, he loves me. I am human, I let my emotions rule, I know I hurt him and even if he forgave me, I keep thinking that things might never be the same again, God! I love him, I would do it right if I could turn back time, Am so lucky that i have him, he is my everything! And I am nothing without him; I never want to hurt him again. There is definitely no kiss without him.

-Here we go

Just when I thought the political unrest in the country had come to an end, at least after the announcement of the new coalition government last night, today morning, a different light shone, I woke up to see very disturbing images on TV, the wife to the sects spiritual leader of the outlawed Mungiki sect Maina Njenga, was murdered. Protests arose today morning and massive security is evident as the police set up road blocks, 13 people have already been killed, several houses burnt, residents have been held up not able to leave for work, and it is not getting better yet. Police have been battling them since early morning.
The Mungiki are very, very powerful they will not let anything get on their way. it is a politico-religious group and a banned criminal organization. They have large numbers every time their name comes up, I get this sudden feeling of sadness I see death, I see pain, I lose hope, sadly, they are associated with my native tribe, of course not something I am proud off.
Last night it rained, it has been for the last few weeks, but when it does, the days normally follow with sunshine, but today its dull, grey, I can’t go to uni since means of transport have been paralysed, I sit here and wonder why we have to go through this. Why my country has to be the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. I hope it gets better before the end of today, no more blood shed tomorrow, no more tears, no more death. I sit I hope, I pray..I long for peace.