-Twisted-Painting me, a mirror vision

Am trying to paint a picture of me,but the lines are to thick, the colours too bright, am ashamed of what i see, so I'll just put it in front of a mirror so y'all can see...

I see myself positioned in an elevated place, Watching the person who should be me, living a remote controlled life. its like i have no control of my life anymore. Life has become so difficult these days, am always on the run, chasing everything from class deadlines to social obligations and family affairs.

I feel the need to slow down, but again am living a borrowed life, in borrowed space at borrowed time. so i cant afford to slow down. i keep up, even when out of breath. My ego always demands and comes up with an endless list of things for me to do or have, some clearly unattainable. This things have constantly burdened me, and i even start to lose sleep over them. I don't see reality anymore, i have lost all aspects of spirituality in me...the drive i once had for mass and holy communion has withered. Life has changed drastically in the last few months. Although i am faced with valuable experiences, to help me decide on how to respond to life's tests, i lose my temper at the slightest provocation.

The girl i was and who i want to be again, would respond with love, and understanding to try and learn something from the situation...even when i got so frustrated and miserable, it was a test as to how much i could handle~ sadly not anymore.

I don't understand how i think anymore, and this has consequently attracted bad vibes, am no longer time conscious, and as much as i understand that the universe arranges itself to reflect my reality, my life is not peaceful at the moment am not responding to anything like i should with ease and comfort, Am handcuffed. I hate watching that girl that is supposed to be me, she is not at peace with herself, she is blind. Yet even though its my life, Am not the driver in it, am at the back seat i stare and lean back at the careless driving in flooded traffic at red lights.

So obsessed with my outer shell and how i look like, i over eat and i sometimes starve myself...This consequently leads me to develop low self esteem, but i know am in charge of my life and the circumstances i am going through, are just a test for my success, But its breaking my heart, that i lost me along the way and i am watching a failure leading a life . Each passing day, is a constant struggle to keep up with what everybody expects of me. And until i get me back, ill continue to paint, ill continue to draw and wish that i was this girl that i need and must be.