-wine me dine me, but il pay my own bills.

I have friends who make me wonder whether they know the difference between a gentleman whom your in a relationship with, and a sugar daddy. Look at it this way, in a relationship, a man is always seen as the main pillar in the support systems. He is expected to actually take responsibility for all the financial matters, except the actual spending of the money.
Sort of like boy deposits ....girl withdraws.
He is expected to have a job that covers his girlfriend's expenses, which include; Rent, clothes, shopping, hair styling, Make-up, entertainment... oooh and not forgetting his own expenses.
But all this are after the woman has had her own fill.
And i think we need to draw boundaries that are fair to both parties in the relationship. Why is it that the man should be the sole provider when the woman is actually earning the same or more? which brings me to a popular feminine adage saying "your money, is our money, my money is mine alone" ....what a pity!
Some of my female friends say they will only get into a relationship if a man is willing to foot all the bills, to be honest we are now living in an age of healthy competition between the sexes. At this point, a line from the song do me by PsQuare from Nigeria comes to mind
"what a man can do, a woman can do"
lets be honest, many women these days, are not looking for men to pay their bills. Because many of them are financially empowered. However, we do need to know that he can. two things are important to a woman in a relationship: her need to be loved, and her need to feel protected and provided for.
Male and female relationships are made of commitment and continuity. Woman prefer friendship, love and companionship. But they do need to know that money is there, that there is someone watching over us, someone who has our best interests at heart.
ideally financial obligations should be shouldered equally. it is ridiculous that women should take the back seat especially when she is earning a handsome salary. Realistically "man of the house" as he would like to be known, should be ready to meet any extra monetary expenses if called to do so. It is not really about money, well it isn't for me and am sure for many of us who are truly in love, But this is an outward expression of affection. By putting his money where his mouth is, a man shows that she can rely on him and that he will not leave her when the going gets tough....after all "he is the man of the house"

-Twisted-Painting me, a mirror vision

Am trying to paint a picture of me,but the lines are to thick, the colours too bright, am ashamed of what i see, so I'll just put it in front of a mirror so y'all can see...

I see myself positioned in an elevated place, Watching the person who should be me, living a remote controlled life. its like i have no control of my life anymore. Life has become so difficult these days, am always on the run, chasing everything from class deadlines to social obligations and family affairs.

I feel the need to slow down, but again am living a borrowed life, in borrowed space at borrowed time. so i cant afford to slow down. i keep up, even when out of breath. My ego always demands and comes up with an endless list of things for me to do or have, some clearly unattainable. This things have constantly burdened me, and i even start to lose sleep over them. I don't see reality anymore, i have lost all aspects of spirituality in me...the drive i once had for mass and holy communion has withered. Life has changed drastically in the last few months. Although i am faced with valuable experiences, to help me decide on how to respond to life's tests, i lose my temper at the slightest provocation.

The girl i was and who i want to be again, would respond with love, and understanding to try and learn something from the situation...even when i got so frustrated and miserable, it was a test as to how much i could handle~ sadly not anymore.

I don't understand how i think anymore, and this has consequently attracted bad vibes, am no longer time conscious, and as much as i understand that the universe arranges itself to reflect my reality, my life is not peaceful at the moment am not responding to anything like i should with ease and comfort, Am handcuffed. I hate watching that girl that is supposed to be me, she is not at peace with herself, she is blind. Yet even though its my life, Am not the driver in it, am at the back seat i stare and lean back at the careless driving in flooded traffic at red lights.

So obsessed with my outer shell and how i look like, i over eat and i sometimes starve myself...This consequently leads me to develop low self esteem, but i know am in charge of my life and the circumstances i am going through, are just a test for my success, But its breaking my heart, that i lost me along the way and i am watching a failure leading a life . Each passing day, is a constant struggle to keep up with what everybody expects of me. And until i get me back, ill continue to paint, ill continue to draw and wish that i was this girl that i need and must be.

-Weighty issues again!

i keep telling myself that i am not obssesed with my weight and that i love how i look, i know that deep down i would love to be a bit curvy. I lost a pound over the last one week and it really brought me down when i saw that. My friend was with me when i discovered the sad news, she is all 'rounded' you see, and she went like

''wow, i wish i was as slender as you are''
and am like ''u mean that?'' at this point i was really feeling good about myself, i felt beautiful for a while i appreciated myself. A while latter we were looking at clothes and she thought it was sad that i couldnt fit into some clothes. uuh, yeah! so now its sad being me.

so the decision i made to add weight is not one that am doing to please anyone or to be someone am not. I have taken time to think about this, i know the risks involved and so am making sure i get the best and safest regimes available. I love how i look, but i do need a change. If this doesnt work, i will still love being me, I was going through some pages online and some articles on books, i realised that adding weight is equally as hard as losing it, the thought of lifting weights has never crossed my mind, turns out that at some point i have to, Weight lifting can aid in losing the weight while building muscle. Sometimes being "too skinny" can be just as difficult a problem to solve as being "too fat." for me to achieve a desirable body weight and shape involves changes in lifestyle - including diet, exercise. the good thing is i do not have to worry about eating all the fatty and sweet foods thats an automatic IN for me unlike those trying to lose weight.... heheheh

i know this will and might take time, am not going to give up!

-my pearl

i love Nivea, i started using this the pearl deo a few months ago and i love it, i think everyone should give it a try, its mild fragrance with a fresh soapy smell, alcohol free, and when they say 24 hours i tell ya its 24 HOURS!!!!.... i love it

PS: Nivea dint pay me for this posting
am loving my pearl!!

-When the heart is Broken

before i go on with this post, i need to know what happened to Toni Braxton??

i was listening to her song 'Un-break my heart' at late night capital, this song is very deep, i cant get over the words. I have been through my share of down moments in relationships, i know we all feel helpless, unappreciated, lonely... But honestly not this:

Dont leave me in all this pain
Dont leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say youll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Dont leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I cant forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
Un-break my heart
Say youll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Dont leave me in all this pain
Dont leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say youll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my
Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin
Without you I just cant go on
Cant go on

let me make something perfectly clear, when its over, ITS OVER!!
OK, i must admit that was someone in love talking...

i have been there i know those moments when you cant seem to understand what went wrong, when everything doesn't make sense, when crying is the only thing that feels right.And when the phone rings you wish it was him, when that song plays and his face is all you see, you delete his number yet you know it by heart....
Its not easy. But its not worth bagging your life with emotions that only bring you down. And listening to Toni's song wont make it easier... its a beautiful thing to fall in love, but when you tie your heart to it, not thinking of the possibility of breaking up, it will only be harder when it happens.

-Getting it right!

There are so many emotions i am fighting with right now. last Suturday i confessed to him, that I had kissed another man. I have said this before I can’t hide anything from him, it was the right thing to do, and only the timing was wrong…it was his birthday.
“I have to tell you something that you won’t be so happy to hear” I said
“I kissed another man”
………silence……
At this point, I saw his heart break in front of me, I saw his tears, I heard him weap. I realised how much he loved me, I had to let him know, I wasn’t planning to tell him, but I needed this opening from him, without him forgiving me, I would still feel like I cheated on him. I needed to deal with the consequences of his wrath I needed to know that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
“Why?”
And when he asked me that, I realised that nothing I could say would make it right, I couldn’t find a reason or an answer to what I did, I dint want to let him go. I know he has been faithful to me. I dint want to be the cause of our ending because i am somewhere I can never be with anyone else, but i am with him, everything is so beautiful with him, it is so beautiful to fall in love with him. he completes me.
I know I hurt him. I am hurt too, hurt by the fact that i can be weak, i know am vulnerable, But what hurts me most, what kills me most is that he blames himself for what I did…

“its not the kiss, its that you sometimes need someone, and thoughts of me are not enough, worst part is, I understand, I wonder everyday if today is the day I don’t matter enough, how can I fight for you when the one you fight is yourself?”

When he talks to me, I realise how much even in his anger, he loves me. I am human, I let my emotions rule, I know I hurt him and even if he forgave me, I keep thinking that things might never be the same again, God! I love him, I would do it right if I could turn back time, Am so lucky that i have him, he is my everything! And I am nothing without him; I never want to hurt him again. There is definitely no kiss without him.

-Here we go

Just when I thought the political unrest in the country had come to an end, at least after the announcement of the new coalition government last night, today morning, a different light shone, I woke up to see very disturbing images on TV, the wife to the sects spiritual leader of the outlawed Mungiki sect Maina Njenga, was murdered. Protests arose today morning and massive security is evident as the police set up road blocks, 13 people have already been killed, several houses burnt, residents have been held up not able to leave for work, and it is not getting better yet. Police have been battling them since early morning.
The Mungiki are very, very powerful they will not let anything get on their way. it is a politico-religious group and a banned criminal organization. They have large numbers every time their name comes up, I get this sudden feeling of sadness I see death, I see pain, I lose hope, sadly, they are associated with my native tribe, of course not something I am proud off.
Last night it rained, it has been for the last few weeks, but when it does, the days normally follow with sunshine, but today its dull, grey, I can’t go to uni since means of transport have been paralysed, I sit here and wonder why we have to go through this. Why my country has to be the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. I hope it gets better before the end of today, no more blood shed tomorrow, no more tears, no more death. I sit I hope, I pray..I long for peace.

-Living to its fullest.

I always wonder why not spend money when you have it, why spend ages at the supermarket shelves trying to figure out how much you would save by buying a lotion 10shs cheaper, Just how much does one save by not buying the very best?
Why buy less, when you can wait for a month or so to get that, that you really need.
I find the idea of tomorrow an illusion, I always see reason, What if there is no tomorrow? What if I don’t have an opportunity to spend what I have now, I always muse. I try to live life to the fullest, life is too short anyway…

-i discovered how old i was today.

so today morning, my small bro Ian bumped into my ID card, initially he thought i was 21, so when he found out i was 19, he could not stop screaming about how young i was. honestly i never lied to him, he just never asked.
there is obviously a difference between lying and not talking about something that people make assumptions about. today i felt 10 years younger with all the teasing i got. i realised that one is as old as they feel.

-He changes times and seasons

i woke up to find this in my inbox from Joel,
God is always looking to take us to higher levels. He wants us to grow and increase in every area of life. Change is often a catalyst for growth in our lives. It keeps us from getting stuck in a rut. God will supernaturally open and close doors to keep us on the path toward our destiny. He will “stir us” out of comfortable situations and stretch us because He loves us too much to allow us to live in mediocrity. Just like a mother eagle will stir her young, God will stir His children. Do you know how an eaglet learns to fly? That eagle will take her eaglet to the very highest point—way out of its comfort zone—and then she releases it. As the eaglet falls, the mother swoops down and picks it back up again. She does this over and over until the eaglet spreads its wings and soars through the air. That’s what God wants for you today. He wants you to soar in life! You might feel like that eaglet learning to fly, but know that God is right there with you! He’ll never leave you. Embrace God’s change today, knowing that He is using it to take you up higher so that you can live in victory all the days of your life!

Prayer for Today
Dear God, today I open my heart and mind to receive all that You have for me. I trust that You are with me directing my every step. I embrace Your seasons of change and thank You for helping me grow and increase in every area. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

-Bringing out the mother in me.

if only you knew how badly i want his baby?

i know am too young to have a baby, but we women all have maternal instincts,right? i soo badly want the bulge...

i know its not easy being a mom, but with the way i feel now, i would give anything to have his baby, Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby... that somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct... that somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.Somebody said being a mother is boring... that somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"... that somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices... that somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother... that somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first... that somebody doesn't have five children.Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books... that somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery... that somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten... or on a plane headed for military "boot camp." Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back... that somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married... that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home... that somebody never had grandchildren.Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her... that somebody isn't a mother...

whatever it takes, i want to be a mother!!!

-going home...

to dad who is unwell, not a good feeling at all....

-The Denim problem

so OK, i cant stop buying jeans!! we all cant stop buying them, sometimes they fit sometimes they don't, so i got this tips that really helped me.

1.Buy jeans that are your size. Buy nothing smaller, or nothing bigger than your actual size. In order to look good in them of course they need to fit comfortably.

2.Identify your body type.
Are you top heavy? If you carry most of your body weight in your torso, consider a boot leg jean or jeans with a slight flare to balance out your bottom half.

3.If you carry a lot of your weight in the butt, hip, and thigh area, you'll want to avoid slim-fit jeans, because they make those "problem areas" seem a lot bigger. Go for a straight legged jean to make your legs look longer and thinner.

4.If you have a thin, rectangular figure create some curves by trying skinny jeans.
Pay attention to the rise of the jean. If the rise is too high, you will get a "pooch" which will make you look like you've got a belly. If the rise is too low, any fat you have will spill over.

5.Consider dark wash jeans. They're easier to dress up, and look good on a range of sizes. They are very flattering to any figure.

6.Variety is the spice of life. Try on different sizes of jeans to see which one fits well, and looks good on you. You never know how they'll look until you try them on.

7.If you're not comfortable in the jeans you're wearing they will not look good on you, and you won't look feel confident in yourself.

8.Different brands may fit you differently, so try on a couple different sizes. You may be a size 2 in Paris Blues and a size 4 in Levi's.

9.If you have a small butt (like me) & would like it to look bigger, get some jeans with patchwork/embroidery on the back pockets.

10.If you have no curves, get jeans with a fade in the thighs & below the butt. It creates curves... Here are some nice jeans i found

Embossed pocket jeans Tattoo jeans Sequin jeans

however, Capris and cuffed jeans look great on everyone! Just keep in mind that they can make your legs look shorter, so petite girls should look for capris that fall just below the knee. The same goes for cuffs - make smaller cuffs if you have short legs. These jeans look hot with tall boots, but don't show any space between the hem and your boot. You can also dress them down with sneakers, as long as they're not a bulky athletic shoe.

All the best as you sort out your Denim problem.

-Beef

i ain't the kind of people who hold grudges so ill let all out...

1. The girl next door.
if only you knew how Ur loud music pissed me off! girl, you got bad choice in music... so in case you didn't know we here to study, give me my peace...if u don't care about your degree, open a club in Nairobi.

2. The cook.
Why is it that they even employed you??? did u get classes in cooking? if only u knew that i come to you because i have no option and cooking at my room sux but i don't know how much longer i can eat your food....your cooking sux just as much!

3. guys at Uni.
i know that not all of us love doing charity but how easy it is for you to pay a thousand for a stupid, tacky one day camp...whereas no one can raise a hundred for charity, no one shows up for the charity events. Come on y'all, have a heart.

4.Lydia.
u stopped talking to me with no reason when you got pregnant, i dint get you pregnant that am sure, i was troubled for many days i never thought i could live without you, now that your gone, i care no more for what i could have said i let it bother me but i don't need to torment myself i don't care anymore....to hell with you! if you ever feel like talking to me...go ahead. i really don't care.

5. James.
u cheated on me, hurt me, wasted my time then when i thought it couldn't get worse, when i thought it was the worst you could do, You Dumped me!! i have never hurt you or said anything that could. only two words for you Fuck You! i don't care, i thought that i could never get over you, but am over you...just look at me now. Blossoming in new love!!

6. Easy fm.
where do you guys get your music from?? i was thinking you must have a play list of like 10 songs, is there anyone in control of the music? is he or she sane, i do not understand why you keep playing the same songs... ooh, come to think of it, i don't care anymore... i have hot 96, homeboys radio, classic fm, capital fm. so to hell with you and your boring music heheh

7. Paris Hilton.
Why are you famous?

8.J. holiday
why are you so far away, so inaccessible...but most of all why is everything about you hot?

9.Kibaki and Raila
why did so may people have to die before you came to your senses.


and last but not least my boyfriend....

10. Baby
for loving me, yet being so far away from me....

-only in fine clothes and makeup.

taking a look at this women, i realized that money speaks volumes when it comes to beauty....

only with the best, you get the best

-this song......

i am having those days when you just cant stop singing along to a certain song that is constantly playing on your mind....


Shayne Ward Lyrics

i cant stop singing this song it rings in my mind every two mins it makes me feel like i did when i 1st fell in love thank you Shayne!!

Shayne Ward Lyrics

-Age Ain't Nothing But a Number

Am dating someone who is 17 years older than me, yes 17, i have received a lot of criticism but when it comes down to what i feel for him , nothing really matters but me and him... Aaliyah's song (may her soul rest in peace) gives me all the strength that i need to always make this work....

Age ain’t nothing but a number,
Throwing down ain’t nothing but a thang,
This lovin’ I have for you It’ll never change
Here I am and there you areYou’re eyes are calling me to your heart,All you gotta do is knock and I’ll let you in Then we will feel the passion that flows within I don’t mean to be bold but I gotta let you know I got a thing for you and I can’t let go

with such a feeling, does age even come to mind?

-Last Friday.

i love Fridays, i mean who doesn't? especially girls night out, when you just drink, dance, scream the night away knowing that you have a whole weekend to pull yourself back together before work or Uni starts again on Monday...

i loved Fridays, at least when i was single, it was easy back then i would meet some guy at a bar spend time with him, and just be me, but now, i have my baby. Even giving my number to a guy makes me feel like i have cheated on him.... But last Friday i completely lost it, y'all know how i wished for this ... And this time it did happen i felt awful, i know he doesn't deserve this he has been so go to me, am only 2weeks away from him, i could have waited for 2more weeks for a worthwhile kiss...

Am trying to find a reason to justify what i did, but all i can do is cry because there is no excuse for cheating on someone who has been through thick and thin for me, i know he isn't here but he loves me, he cares for me, trusts me....and to even think that he feels the same about me is heart breaking.

i don't think i will ever forgive myself, especially because i was sober and i knew exactly what was going on. i don't know if i should let him know, i never hide anything from him...but this guilt is consuming me. i now realise how much i love him, and how i cant live without him.

So on Saturday morning, i woke up to his email, he said he hoped i had a safe night and that i had fun, He doesn't deserve me, not after what i did.....last Friday.

-guilty

what i did last Friday was horrible....

i need to think if i should post this.

i love my man, but sometimes...

-Hold me

long distance relationship= no intimacy=ME

i haven't made out in almost 9 months, and this ain't just anyone, its ME, i cant stop dreaming about it, i want someone to hold me, to touch me, whisper to me... i want to remember how it feels like to be intimate... But i ain't the type who cheats damn i love my baby!!

But i need to feel it, there is a big difference between feeling it and filling it!! there is that part of me that wants, that needs... i fill empty!!
i think i need a standing ovation, a round of applause!! i haven't been intimate for close to 9 months and i am still strong, still moving on..... But i want it so badly i don't want to think about it, These dreams only make it harder, those songs u know them, yea those ones, make it even harder...

A few more days i keep telling myself till i see him.

But till then,

God help me lest i fall!
God help me lest i fail my man!!


AMEN

-Tribute to Tyra

yes Tyra Banks, damn i love that girl....she is not only beautiful on the inside is is also beautiful on the outside. She has the confidence of a thousand men.

i want to be like Tyra, i want her clothes i want her weaves, i want her shoes, i want! i want i want! i know we should all be our own people, but i dont know anyone else like her, she doesn't let 'celebritism' get into her. She is Positive...... She can be a mother, a sister and a friend.


i have no words to describe my love for Banks.
God bless Tyra!!

-Weighty issues

At the end of this blog i want to make it clear to every one out there that a black woman can be skinny and beautiful....i gave up on putting on weigh...

--i tried to, i got stretch marks

--i tried to, i couldn't do sport

--i tried to, i ended up with digestion probs.

U know the saddest part, i lost myself. all the weight that i wanted spread out to....resulted into pot! getting rid of that belly, was a great struggle, nothing is as bad as a skinny girl with a pot. Wait,
i hate the word skinny!!! why do people call me that?? or call anyone that for that matter, that is sooooo rude...i prefer to be called; slim, slender or better still lean....i like the sound of that leeaaannnnnn!!! mmmmhh, it makes me want to never put a single calorie into my system. call me lean!!! am your best friend!!

some people, i wont say who... have gone to the extent of telling me i look like a white woman!! whats wrong with people these days? there are some very beautiful curvaceous white women...Jessica Alba, J-lo and no her ass ain't fake (she said so, i trust her...those who don't are just jealous) and Mariah Carey. The rest are fakers...no list, and no am not jealous!

lets finish this by saying:

Fuck you all who think i am skinny....blessing to those who are polite enough to call me leeeaaannn!!
let it be known, i was adding some weight for my Mr right, and i did find Mr Right. only that this Mr right, loves me leeeaaaaannnn.

is there a Mr. Right? Story for ana day!! (love you sugga!!)

Damn am fly, am leeaaannnnn

-Girlness

so today, is the last day of my period, and the day when i deleted all my blogs and started blogging a new!!...anyway! i do not know any girl out there who honestly...likes being on her period : unless;

1. She has a blood free period.

2.She doesn't cramp.

3.No acne.

4.No mood swings.

And many more torturous signs that i do not to even get into....i keep asking God why we have to go through this...

Well, if you don't have any of the above, then girl...that ain't no period. It brings me to thinking...would i rather be a boy?? ''hell no!!'' i think apart from their life being period free, they go through worse, yucky, stuff than we do. honestly why would anyone pride themselves in sleeping with 20 or more women!!! yuck! that's even worse than a period. But i would wish for them to have a period even if it were for an hour.

So the boys wont know, we use all the words you think off so that they wouldn't know we are talking about it. We have a few words for our periods, i wont give much away girls! but there are two i particularly like crossing and the Pstym... yeah, i know there are a million more words, if only the men knew what we go through every month, they would hail us for the rest of their lives.

When younger, all girls want to get to their first period....i recall mine just like it was yesterday.
i felt beautiful, i wanted everybody to know!! So, this should be between us but anyway, i intentionally kept my pad where everyone or anyone could see it so that they could all no that am on my period....it was that beautiful.

But now i hate to think of it!! Fuck!! i just remembered its a monthly think that i have to live with, at least for the next few years.is it only me....or do we all hate it? ooh i know a friend who loves being on hers...she says she feels beautiful, relaxed horny???!!! wait horny?? it doesn't even sound right!